Identity Crisis

Hi! It's supposed to be Halloween today but since our country didn't celebrate it so I guess it's just like any normal day. I am now writing this post to.. I don't know, help myself solve my own problems? Relieve the burden in myself? Whatever.

It had been my 16th birthday on October 9th.. And I must say that it was one of the best birthday I've ever celebrate. Early morning before school my family surprised me with a cake, then at school I got another surprise from moi freunden. The most important thing is that I was surrounded by people whom I loved and cared, people who mattered in my life actually remembered my birthday and celebrated it with me. I had three small celebration the first is at Lemongrass with my family, the second having pizza at home with my friends from church, and last dinner at Tier Sierra with schoolmates. I can't tell how grateful I am to have such people in my life and if they read this then know that I'm so thankful to have you in my existence.

Moving on..

I found myself in a major dilemma right now because I still don't know what I'll do in the future. I have no freaking idea about what I wanted to be, what major I'm going to take, and so on. My supposedly dream of studying in Germany had crushed 50% because I failed GI.. Such a shame I know, and my parents were blaming me for giving up. They say I'm too weak and so easy to surrender, that I'm such a pathetic child.. which is true in a way. I don't want to be weak. They were giving me lectures about how I'm such a disappoinment in our car before going to school, which resulting in me crying at school. I know right: I'm such a loser.

I saw people around me, people my age, who already have their shits together in envy. How come they could get their success at such a young age and have their life together already? People who already got accepted in their dream university, who already got scholarship, who have so many awards and stuffs.. Then I realize that I've been doing my teenage year wrong. I didn't do anything to have something that me and my parents could be proud of. I know there's a lot of chances I'm not taking, lots of things I should've done, and I regretted that. So from now on I promise, not only here but also for real, that I will take chances on whatever things life threw at me. I mean you only have one life better be sorry for risks I've taken than regretting not taking that in the first place.

As for my grade 11 score.. It was on fire. Literally. Not in a good way. I got C- for all of my Math exams, C for my Biology exam, and another C for physics. Nevermind chemistry, even thinking about how I failed that test made me wanna throw up. My scores are shit and if I couldn't keep it up now, then good bye forever for chances of going to Germany. That was my main goal and I already wasted half of my time not doing anything that will boost my chances. Dear God give me some motivations and help me through the rest of my high school life.. For I believe that if I put you in every things I did it would leave good results. I can't fix the mistakes I've made in the past but there's always the future.. which I can fix for the better.

OKAYYY that's it my pathetic piece of a post! Now I'm going to take a bath and go see my brother's little concert, then I'm thinking of applying to celfit since LOOK AT MY THIGHS ITS VERY FLABBY, AND DONT LET ME STARTED ON MY ARMS. I hope you're having much better condition than mine and if we're on the same page then know that I'M HERE FOR YOU BROS! WE'LL PROVE EM HOW STRONG WE ACTUALLY ARE! Yay thanks for reading and have a nice day!

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Elshagep

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Dawn

it's 5 am and
i haven't catch any wink of sleep at all.
and i don't know why i'm writing this blog post
probably as another excuse to not sleep?
even though the bags under my eyes beg for a rest
i'm sorry i'm not good with words and i probably am trying too hard that it sounds pathetic
anyway
might as well use this chance to rant
it's friday and the holiday is coming to an end
i can't say i miss school tho
i mean this summer had been great
one of the best holiday, even.
why, you ask?
for one, my crush start texting with me for the first time since ive been crushing on him since roughly the beginning of 10th grade
yes you read that right
and i'm just beyond words (ok thats slightly overrated) because i usually stare at his profile wondering things and making up scenarios in my head
i mean this things didn't happen in real life right
i would be glad to tell you more but im actually worried he will read this so yeah

my stomach just grumbled
and i want my early snacks
but looking at my tummy, and flabby arms, and thick as fuck thighs?????
im amazed they didn't start screaming whale on the loose at me
seriously
thru summer seems like the only thing i do beside sleep is eat. and holding my phone for unknown reason. i never do productive things honestly and the calories from the foods i consume start building up on certain unwanted parts of my body
i mean cant u just stay on my boobs dear fat at least then ill be happy

moving on
i'm actually nervous about this new class thing
bcs honestly? i dont know if i could easily adapt to new surroundings
in high school i saw that friendships grew stronger and couldnt easily be broken like before
and these people have been closer to each other bfore, i dont think i can just get between them and try to be friends???
or maybe i can
screw me im such a socially awkward person at times
btw seeing these people posting pretty pica of themselves at instagram wearing loads of make up with hair on point and all
such a blow to my already non existent self esteem
brb crying in the corner

anyway
why is this post so depressing
blame my lack of sleep
and my crush who once again broke my heart
just like everybody did

gotta go
catch u later!

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Elshagep

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Just Want To Get This Off My Chest

Good mornite folks.

It's school holiday and I'm staying up all night because I just couldn't sleep and thought that maybe if I rant it here I'll be able to catch some.

WARNING: gapenting, terlalu lebay tp ini emg yang gue rasain. so back off if you're only going to judge.

Today had been a really bad day for me. It started out quite well, me waking up at 6 realizing I don't have to do anything today so I watched some movies. Then at 3 PM I had a music practice (kinda?) in my church and everything went not so well, but better than before in my opinion.

Overall it's been so-so and nothing had neither wreck my mood nor boosted it.

Until I got home, that is.

I went to play my laptop in my parent's room, my sister was laying on the bed but not sleeping. I told her to go to sleep yet she refused and started trashing around in the bed, so I paid no attention to her and put on my headphones. The game's started and I found myself quite engrossed in the game that I don't notice my surroundings.

Maybe it was for the excessively loud volume that I couldn't really catch my father's shouts.

I mean it was a faint sound at first, then I started to notice that it had nothing to do with my game. So I took off my headphone.

Turns out my father was calling my name loudly, very loud if I might say that it must have been noticed by our neighbours, he was ordering me to unlock the front door so he could get inside. I don't know about you but my whole family is Batak so I'm really used to loud calls and loud voices in general. But at that time it was much louder than usual, and I guessed it was because he was angry so the shouting sounded harsher.

Nervously, because I realized I had made a mistake, I answered his call and went outside. Briefly wondering though, hadn't my sister been awake this whole time? Surely she must have heard that loud shouts. When I glanced at my sister and saw that she's looking at me, I knew that she had heard him calling but refused to answer, instead waiting for me to do it.

Immediately I searched for the keys, answering my father along the way. When he heard me he became angrier, asking where the heck I might be not answering his call, and that he had been waiting for a long time. I told him I couldn't hear him, in a nervous voice. Then to my surprise, in so much fury, he spat a cussing word to me.

You see, my parents had never said even a single swear words before, moreover saying it to their children. Especially my mother which is too patient, too loving, to ever curse her daughter like that. Imagine my surprise when my father did that directly to my face.

I often cursed. In fact I cursed so much that the cuss word became offense-less to me. So when, for example, my friends said (excuse the words) "anjing lu monyet tai babi, setan emang," in so much fury to me, I would shrug it off and probably threw more back. Or just laugh it off because for some strange reasons, I found angry people amusing. Only my friends though. And sometimes my mom. So I'd be this annoying kid who'd laugh when they're scolding or cussing me.

But when my father did that, I mean the cursing thing, I guess I'm just too shocked to feel any other emotions at the moment. I dazedly unlocked the front door before went to my room. There I could process everything and realized what he had just said.

Then I felt so much anger hitting me. Why is he saying that to his own daughter over something so simple such as his patience of waiting outside thinning? Why is he teaching bad words? Why can't he be a bit more patient? Why didn't my sister answered it earlier when she clearly heard it? How can my mom cope up with him for all this time? How can I?

I started to think of evil plans, about how I'm never going to acknowledge him anymore, about mean things that you shouldn't ever wished to happen to anyone. Especially your father.

I don't know, that was just a real blow for me I guess. Am I taking it too hard? Does it normally happen in other family? such a spoiled little brat, I know, but I think the hurt he inflicted upon me will stay through.

Damn it. I should pray more.

Catch you later, hopefully in a better mood.

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Elshagep

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Catching Up!

Heeyyyy to whoever you are reading my blog right now! What's up?

Since the last time I posted, udah banyak banget yg terjadi and I'm trying to make you catch up on all of the extraordinary things happening to me right now.

I'm a high school student now! *cue cheering sound*

No big surprise, rp lagi. Gue kaya ga bosen-bosen di RP dari TK, I mean it's been what 12 years already? Tiap hari selama 12x365 hari tujuan gue tiap pagi cuma RP. Ga pernah dapet suasana baru, ga pernah dapet asiknya kenalan sama kelas yang orangnya bener-bener stranger semua, ga pernah ngerasain jajanan sekolah lain, pokoknya gue serba missed out deh.

Not that I regret masuk RP, actually. Karena banyak bgt pengalaman gue di sini dari pait-paitnya sampe manis banget. Gue tambah tua tiap tahun di situ. Temen-temen gue di situ walaupun udah banyak yang minggat. RP tuh kayak saksi bisu 14 tahun kehidupan gue.

Ea mulai lebay.

Di SMA kesan pertama gue adalah, gila gurunya keren-keren banget. Cara ngajar mereka udah beda 100% sama di SMP. Ada yang ngajar kaya ga peduli siswa, ada yang telaten bgt ngajarnya, ada yang gabut banget, ada yang nerangin jelas banget, banyak tipe deh. Dan yang gue sadar adalah sebenernya nilai lo itu bergantung banget sama guru lo. Kalo dia tipe guru yg bodo amat sama muridnya, good luck on that. Lo bener-bener harus bagusin nilai tugas/ulangan lo, krn performance gabakal diliat. Begitu juga dengan guru gabut.

MOPDB kemaren? Keren bgt. Gue masuk gugus X-9 yang ternyata gampang dapet temen baru di situ, jd gue lumayan comfortable sih. Eh tiba-tiba dipisah lagi sesuai jurusan. Tapi tetep deh kelas gue yg skrg, x mia 6, gaada tandingannya💕 pas MOPDB kita musti masuk jam 5.55. Ada yel-yel yg masih membekas bgt sampe skrg. Dan NAME TAGnya ya Tuhan-_- sebuah perjuangan bangeett. Belom tugas-tugasnya kaya bikin karangan berapa lembar, bikin tulisan brp lembar, dsb. Intinya unforgettable deh ga akan nyesel masuk RP okey;) promosi dikit.

Selanjutnya, gue participate di pensi 2014 Recis: EXPLOSION! Hari gini gatau exp? Jadi itu sebuah pensi yang ada lomba-lombanya juga. Puncak acaranya pas closing di bulan Januari yg ada guest stars nya. Acaranya hacep bgt deh! Awalnya bingung mau divisi apa, semua kaya menarik, tp setelah discuss sm temen2 akhirnya sepakat mau masuk dana. Dikira divisi selow yah ternyata engga, di sini malah tugasnya paling berat karena setoran beuh bisa 2x lipat divisi lain. Tapi selama dijalaninnya enjoy pasti ga kerasa susahnya kok! Banyak bgt pengalaman yang bisa diambil di divdan mulai dari door-to-door, jualan di gereja, jualan pas istirahat di sekolah, belajar nyari barang apa yang bakal laku dijual, jaga stand, dll. Belom lagi kadiv-wakadiv yg baikbaik bgt hehe kadang tegas, tp pasti tujuannya baik ya kan. Love you divdan exp💓

Bulan Maret kmrn tanggal 25 something magical happens.. Yes ON THE ROAD AGAIN TOUR! I was so excited to finally see them!!! Ga papa kelas cuma di belakang yang penting noton ya gak? Itu juga gara-gara sama nyokap. Pas itu kita baru caw dari bogor jam 3:"( telat bgt sedangkan orang lain udah disitu dari jam 10. Nyampe GBK jam 7 lah bayangin dan harus muter cari parkir dulu jadi baru masuk gedungnya jam setengah 8. Okey<\3 yang penting dapet chance liat my beloved LIAM PAYNE!  Thank God for my mother's phone yg bisa zoom jauh bgt sampe mereka keliatan haha. My Liam keeps on spinning his microphone in the air yea my love. Kecewa gaada zayn.. Tapi pas itu gue mikir kalo mungkin si zayn lelah. Mungkin dia blm kuat mau tour. Mungkin dia masih break down. Never once I thought he would QUIT one direction! The feels, man. Ceritanya gue baru beres nonton konser dan lagi bermacet ria di mobil sama nyokap, literally baru ngerasa happy udah nonton konser mereka when gue buka twitter jam 00.05 to find out.. Zayn has officially left 1D! Imagine rasanya baru seneng2 terus dapet kabar itu. Mungkin lo pikir gue lebay tapi gue beneran cry di situ karena... Idk man its just so sad especially knowing the reason:( whatever he chose I wish the best for him and won't ever forget our beloved Bradford Bad Boy<



Teruuuus yang gue dan nyokap cita-citain dr dulu terwujud: les di GI! Haha itu udah nyokap gue rencanain dari gue SD kelas 1 kali ya, dia suka bilang "Ka nanti pas SMA kamu les di goethe aja, di jakarta naik kereta, biar ga susah masuk kuliahnya," dan masuk situ ga gampang guys! Gilaa ngantri aja ampe 500an orang-_- cerita deh ya. Awalnya gue udah janji ama temen gue buat masuk yang kuartal 4 taun 2014. Pendaftarannya bulan Oktober kan. Nah temen gue si Khisa udah ngantri dari jam 4 pagi dong bayangin, sedangkan bokap gue baru dateng jam 10:") alhasil Khisa dapet nomer antrian 18. Bokap gue?

520.

Udah lah hopeless bgt mau dapet kelas Sabtu kan ya. Tapi perjuangan tidak berakhir di situ ea. Bulan Januari, nyokap gue semangat 45 berangkat dari Bogor jam setengah 5, nyampe sana jam 5. Dapet nomer 53. Lumayan lah yaa. Dan itu tetep ga kebagian hari sabtu, bayangin! Sisa hari Minggu. Jadi gue ampe sekarang ikut yang hari Minggu, ngorbaningereja coba, tapi nanti kalo udah level atas mau pindah Sabtu. Ga enak juga ga gereja berasa ada yg kurang gitu azek. Jd kadang2 gue bolos les demi hal yang seharusnya utama: gereja. Ya mau gimana lagi coba elsha juga bingung:((

Apa lagi yaa? Sekarang lagi libur UN kelas 12. Abis ini ga ada libur lagi guyz:((( tapi sekolah tinggal kurang dari 2 bulan lagi, harus mangadh! Harus bisa naikin nilai kemaren yang kaya tai banget. Mana tugas numpuk banget buat abis liburan. Abis ini mau kerkol nih tapi gara2 mager banget jd sempetin lah ya nulis apa kek di sini kebetulan lagi pengen nulis, drpd galau nungguin dia yg drtd cuma ngeread chat doang ga dibales?

*kemudian baper*

That's all.. I think? See you when I see you, fellas❤️

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Elshagep

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